takebackthehome.com

In my opinion, we have come to a point in society of polarization. It seems that most people, who are vocal, are either way left or way right.

I want to say something on this point. When 9/11 took place, we as a country, stood as one. We reprioritized what was important as a nation. We became one people. It lasted for months. All the nonsense, that is being argued now on the news, never would have been discussed. The petty partisan politics wouldn’t even be discussed.

In my opinion, our country, and seemingly the rest of the world, is in a moral pre 9/11 mentality. In my opinion, teenage parenting should be the center point of discussion of society. The majority has completely forgotten about our youth and the next generation. The educational system is not the problem. The government is not the solution. In my opinion, the decay of the family is the problem. I go to endless PTA meetings and constantly hear how the educational system is failing our kids. I believe this is crap. I believe it is the parents and adults who are often failing our kids.

I believe until parents take teenage parenting and family as their priority over pleasure, blaming of others, and excuses as to why we are where we are as individuals and families we are doomed to a rough ride. Until we stop expecting our government to solve our financial problems and personal problems we are in big trouble.

I pray for enlightenment for the masses and for leaders to stop pointing their finger out to them and turn it to themselves and say I am the cause. When that day comes. We will all be alright.

Just a thought.

Good luck,

Dr. Bocknek.

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families

Continuing on with this teen parenting story, I said to my friend “Don’t you think it is inappropriate for this parent to be doing this to his child”? He gave some answer about artistic freedom and how it was beautiful. Not wanting to start an argument I just basically told him that he had no idea of the effect taking those pictures of the child might have on that child and neither had the parent. He admitted it was the first time he had ever thought of it that way.

So here is the issue in teen parenting. It is not okay anymore to not know what your child or teen is doing at all times. We, as parents, have roughly eighteen years to mold our children into ethical, moral, and responsible adults who will be a benefit and a contributor in our home and society. The first four years are basically  for just loving them because they are too small. That leaves fourteen years to train, lead and teach them.

In teen parenting, the parent must be a leader. The parent must take the leadership role away from the teachers, away from their friends, away from the internet. For the teachers reading this, this is not an insult to you. It is a benefit to you. You have been saddled with the lazy parent syndrome. A teacher’s job is to teach subject matters that empower kids to think and learn. You are not substitute parents. In fact, if you read the data 40% of teachers quit the profession after 2 years. I suspect a lot of that reason is because you have been frustrated with having to be surrogate parents rather than educators of the next generation.

For parents, who think that teen parenting is a liaise faire event, I can tell you teen parenting is a do all you can to lead and guide event, and hope you did enough so your teens will succeed in life event.

In teen parenting, your child needs a simplified environment with guidance about the key issues. The key issues are doing well in school, being honest, respectful, and helpful. Our job is to teach them these values in an incredibly loving, guided, responsible fashion.

Please read teen parenting and what is okay part 3.

Good luck,

Dr. Bocknek

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families

Major problems in public education are being talked about these days like no other time in recent history.  Some of it justified and some of it is the response of the growing trend in America to pass off parental responsibilities on teachers and the school system due to the breakdown of the family.  I would like to focus on the parenting part.

How do major problems in public education get handled?  I would like to start with a situation I found myself in a few weeks ago.  In my city we have neighborhood associations.  At our last meeting, we had a school board supervisor come in to discuss problems.  Immediately, the parents were going off on how lousy the teachers are and how bad the supervisors are performing.  I couldn’t speak to the supervisors, because I couldn’t clearly understand what they were doing, but one thing I did know was that the teachers were young and fresh and ready to teach.  What I wasn’t hearing from the pareents was anyone asking what they as parents could do to help.  I got up and mentioned how I had 4 teenagers and all of them were doing well and asked the supervisor how many parents come for parent teacher conferences or to the parent teacher nights.  The room immediately went silent.  The supervisor thanked me for the question.  He said only 10% of the parents show up.  You see actually I knew this statistic. That’s why I sent my kids to the next town high school where parent participation was 90%.  The 2 schools are literally 5 miles apart.  My kids school has a 80% graduation rate and 60 % college attendance rate.  The school where these parents live has a 50 % drop out rate.

Major problems in public education quite often are directly related to lack of participation of the parents in their children’s education.  Oh, I heard some parents say well we both work, “how can we go to these meetings”?  I mentioned both my wife and myself work and we always go to the meetings.  Again, there was silence.  This pattern went on and on and each time I had to mention about the sacrifices my wife and I made to make sure my kids were in the top 10 % of their class.

I am not here to make myself sound like the worlds greatest parent.  But I do want to say your kids are your kids.  No one does care or should care about them as much as you do or should.  Major problems in public education stem primarily from parents forgetting that the family is the most important element in public education not the school.  Schools across the country have similar curriculum.  Often we see towns that are right next to each other where one town has 70 % going to college and the other has a 49% graduation rate from high school as is the case where I live.  In almost all the cases the difference is the parent participation level.

The bitter pill if you have kids, be a leader.  Raise the bar, go to meetings at school, not to complain but to get involved and watch the results skyrocket.

Dr. Robert Bocknek is a problem solving expert for parents and families.  See him at take back the home project, or keyboardculture.com or contact him directly at bocknek@takebackthehom.com.

Tough love parenting is a term which is thrown around, usually with the meaning that the parents have tried everything and nothing worked so now we have to make our child miserable until they behave.  Here’s the thing.  Kids need guidelines and leadership, from the parents, in their life.  It’s no wonder that kids from single parents are 3 times more likely to have a run in with the law than two parent homes.  If you exclude two parent homes where one of the parents has an addiction the data skews even more to 5 times more likely to have a run in with the law.

So then, if the family is a two parent home with no addictions, the main reason why tough love parenting is needed is that the parents have been lacking in guiding and leading their child for quite some time.  Rather than be offended whether this is true of you or not lets do a quick quiz and see how you do.

tough love parenting quiz

1. Do your children have chores that must be done by them?
2. Do they do them? or Do they complain when you remind them?
3. Are their grades in the top 20% of their class?
4. Do your children talk back to you often?
5. Do you honestly enjoy your children’s company?

These are only 5 questions but there could be many more.  If you answered no to at least one of these questions or answered yes to #4 then you need a boot camp on rules and parenting.

Here’s the thing, what a lot of parents call tough love parenting really ought to be renamed leadership parenting. Often simple guidelines like the ones mentioned in the quiz above, when enforced, are enough to totally transform your child into just a great person who is a joy to have around.  If you need help creating this kind of consistency, I highly reccommend you contact Dr. Bocknek at bocknek@takebackthehome.com or visit the website at takebackthehome.com.  Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for parents and families.  You or your family can take one of his courses or can have him come to your town for one of his empowering talks or seminars.  If you are considering painful tough love parenting steps beyond what what the quiz talked about, its not to late to first try Dr. Bocknek’s easy to follow and phenomenally effective guidelines to a great home.

Good luck.  Sincerely, Dr. Bocknek, the problem solving expert for parents and families.

www.takebackthehome.com, www.keyboardculture.com

Teenage parenting part 2 is a continuation of teenage parenting part 1s discussion of how crucial the understanding of each persons roles plays in the success of the family.  Many families I have counseled who are having significant problems with their kids have a situation where the family for whatever reason has become a child centered situation.  By this I mean the family evolves around what is best for the child.  As with all good intentions it sounds like a good idea but as with many good intentions the results are far different from what was intended.  What has been most often found in the child centered family are spoiled children who think the world revolves around them.  What often follows next is they go out in the world and  they act out because they aren’t the center of attention anymore. So what we put forth is a family centered family.

When forming a teenage parenting family or any family for that matter visualize a circle.  Next, put in the center of that circle the word “family” and put the word “child” with a line through it.  From this point on your family will be a family centered family.  In other words, what is best for the family as a whole will be the guiding light for the parents as they lead the family.

How do we know what is best for the family?  We start by writing all family members names on the circle equally apart.  We then attach the roles each person plays in the family, (as written down in teenage parenting part 1), and put those by the family member’s name.  We then draw a line from each person’s name to the center of the circle where the word “family” is.  This is the new construct from which all family decisions get made.

When dealing with the difficult teenager as mentioned in the teenage parenting part 1 we can now create the situation in family meetings to show each member of the family how we are doing.  The difficult teenager can now see their place in the family and how it affects the rest of the family.  When the difficult teenager sees their place in the family we as parents can then go over with them how we can help them.  With the family centered diagram the difficult teenager can really see the negative effect their actions can have and how they can really hurt all those people they really love.  It will call them forth to be a better family member.

Teenage parenting, using the family centered paradigm, changes the confrontation of parent vs. teen to how the parent can help the teen fulfill their role in the family.  It takes the blame out of the discussion and gives the teen a new perspective of how their actions do make a difference in the family.  We can further carry this, that the teen can see how what they do can negatively undermines the family and more empowering the teen can then better see how fulfilling their roles can incredibly positively affect how the family succeeds.

This technique in teenage parenting has helped hundreds of families completely change.

Dr. Robert Bocknek is “the problem solving expert for families”. You can visit him at Takebackthehome.com and soon at keyboardculture.com.  You can also email him a question at bocknek@takebackthehome.com

Teenage parenting issues are one of the most if not the most common issues I am asked to addressed.  Let’s make this discussion teenage parenting 101.  For those of you who have never read my bio, I have 4 teenagers, 19,18, 17, and 15.

Here are the most important points in teenage parenting.

1) teenagers are hormones run amok

2) teenagers are trying to transition from dependence to independence

3) teenagers either have a lot of self doubt and are defensive or have a massive ego and are defensive

4) teenagers need us probably more at this time than at any other time of their soon to be adult life.

5) Parents must be the leaders of the household.

If you are having issues with your teen, here’s how to make it work.

I want to first say a family should never be a democracy until the kids have moved out, have their own family and support themselves.  The parents need to be the dictators.  That being said, in order for teenage parenting to work the parents need to be benevolent dictators.  By this we mean, the parent needs to make the teenager feel that they have a say in their own life.  You may be thinking this seems to be a contradiction in terms, (ie. on the one hand they don’t have a say and on the other they do have a say).  Here’s how it works.  The parents set up the rules of the house and as long as the teens act within those rules they get to make certain decisions.

The trick to this is to identify the roles each person plays in the family so that the teenager will want to follow the rules.  All corporations have rules, (IE. job descriptions). Teenage parenting begins with calling family meetings on a regular basis just like a corporation.  This first meeting will be about what everyone’s role, (IE. job description) in the home is.  In this first meeting, each person needs to write down what their “job description” in the family is.  For instance, the father writes down he goes to work, pays the bills, cutting the lawn etc.  Mom writes down hers.  She works, cooks, drives etc.  The teen writes down theirs.  If they don’t write down anything of substance you must go through it with them.  Teens description must include good grades, cleaning their own room and chores and most importantly to be respectful to their parents.  If your kids are normal kids they should have no trouble signing off to these.  If they won’t sign off on their roles read the follow up to this blog on teenage parenting part 2.  It should come out tomorrow.

An explanation must be given to the teenagers that the reason for defining our roles in the family is to help the family stay together, not just for now but for a very long time.  It is essential at this discussion with them to tell them you need them to do well like you need air.  This is because you love them to death and you can’t face not having done everything you could to help them to succeed.  In closing here, besides all this, you tell them if they fulfill their roles, they get more freedom and more decision making because they’ve earned it.

Dr. Robert Bocknek is “the problem solving expert for families”.  See him at takebackthehome.com for other relevent articles on how to help your family grow.  He will soon be on keyboardculture.com.

Don’t miss teenage parenting part 2.