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In the sexless marriage part 1 we talked about how marriage is an accumulation of the actions you did on a given day.  If your actions were good on a given day you had a high likelihood of having a good marriage on that day.  If your actions were very intimate on that day you had a much better chance of not having a sexless marriage on that day.

A very important point about sexless marriages is that they can happen and often do happen to very good people. Sometimes we fall into becoming best friends in marriage or literally become marriage partners.  This isn’t necessarily a bad thing unless this partnership loses its intimacy and becomes a sexless marriage.  In fact a sexless marriage isn’t necessarily a bad thing unless you start to notice that the joy of being married to this person has been lost or greatly diminished.  The point is, though, why would you want to have a sexless marriage.

A sexless marriage is not the problem. It is typically the end result of a loss of the intimacy between the partners.

Intimacy is the difference between friendship and a great marriage. In order to have a great marriage the fine line must never be crossed or if crossed it must be crossed back.  In other words, never allow your marriage to fall into friendship  or you risk the sexless marriage syndrome.

The sexless marriage syndrome is where, in your marriage, you fall into becoming a friendship relationship from being an intimate partner relationship, (who also happen to be friends).  Unfortunately, for many couples, this starts a destructive trend of substituting sex for alcohol, drugs, infidelity, computer, video game, or some other addiction.  This is not always the case but if you look at the statistics it is more often, rather than less often, true.

The good news is that it is rather easy to get back into intimacy and away from the sexless marriage.

8 Steps to intimacy

1) Kiss your spouse often on the lips

2) Arrange for your kids to be out of the house at least once a week

3) Take a trip to a hotel and or restaurant minimally 1 time per month.

4) Write emails to your partner often, (good chance to be romantic or sexy or both).

5) Always shower before you go to bed at night.

6) Buy clothes that your partner things you look really good in.

7) Buy your partner something that you like on them, (If you have no taste, give them a gift certificate to buy something with specific instructions that they buy somethng you will think they look good in).

Compliment your partner often

If reading these steps don’t get you excited you may be doomed to a sexless marriage.  I’m just joking…kind of.  Remember, you must create that fun and joy daily.  Trust me. It will be worth it.

Dr. Robert Bocknek is “the problem solving expert for families”.  Check him out at takebackthehome.com for one of his great courses or to have him come to talk at your group.  You can also email him at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. or soon to be an expert at keyboardculture.com.

The sexless marriage is considered probably the number 1 cause of divorce today. The reasons why there is no sex in the marriage are varied.  In this talk we won’t discuss the medical reasons and solutions.  If there is interest please just blog back or contact us at bocknek@takebackthehome.com and we will set something up.

The sexless marriage comes about because there was a change in the dynamics of the partners.  Marriages are not things like tables and chairs.  A table is a table no matter what happens.  Any four people, no matter what issues are going on in their life, are going to look at the table and say that is a table.

Marriages are different.  They are based on what you do on a given day.  If you are rotten to your partner on Tuesday then on Tuesday you have a rotten marriage and probably on Tuesday you have a sexless marriage.  On the other hand, if on Tuesday you realized you were rotten and called your partner up and apologized profusely, with sincerity, because you realized that person you were rotten to is the one person in life you shouldn’t be rotten to because you love them to death and they love you the same…the odds are you have a good chance of having a great marriage on that day and maybe not have a sexless marriage.

So you can see that in isolating any particular day how the dynamics of a marriage can change dramatically based solely on our actions.  The essential point to this discussion is that sexless marriages are a direct reflexion of our actions.  Our situation is never set in stone.  It can get worse or better on a moments notice.  The great thing is that you are totally in control.  You get to decide whether you are good or bad, caring or rude, seductive or evasive.

Expectations must be reasonable.  Your marriage can stop being a sexless marriage when you have overcome the time and energy you put into creating a sexless marriage.  For instance, if you were having an affair, the energy you gave to this act is huge to overcome.  You have to be great with massive intensity and possibly for a prolonged period of time.  You must understand the anger that is coming back to you and find ways to get past it.  If you can’t put in the energy and time then you don’t want it bad enough.  If you let your body go you need to put in the time and energy and discipline to regain some of that something that made you attractive to your partner.

In part 2 of the sexless marriage we will discuss the kind of steps that you can take to regain the intimacy in your marriage.

Dr. Robert Bocknek is “the problem solving expert for families”.  Go to his website at takebackthehome.com or email him at bocknek@takebackthehome.com.  He has great courses for you and your family and is available for empowering lectures.