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Tough love parenting is a term which is thrown around, usually with the meaning that the parents have tried everything and nothing worked so now we have to make our child miserable until they behave.  Here’s the thing.  Kids need guidelines and leadership, from the parents, in their life.  It’s no wonder that kids from single parents are 3 times more likely to have a run in with the law than two parent homes.  If you exclude two parent homes where one of the parents has an addiction the data skews even more to 5 times more likely to have a run in with the law.

So then, if the family is a two parent home with no addictions, the main reason why tough love parenting is needed is that the parents have been lacking in guiding and leading their child for quite some time.  Rather than be offended whether this is true of you or not lets do a quick quiz and see how you do.

tough love parenting quiz

1. Do your children have chores that must be done by them?
2. Do they do them? or Do they complain when you remind them?
3. Are their grades in the top 20% of their class?
4. Do your children talk back to you often?
5. Do you honestly enjoy your children’s company?

These are only 5 questions but there could be many more.  If you answered no to at least one of these questions or answered yes to #4 then you need a boot camp on rules and parenting.

Here’s the thing, what a lot of parents call tough love parenting really ought to be renamed leadership parenting. Often simple guidelines like the ones mentioned in the quiz above, when enforced, are enough to totally transform your child into just a great person who is a joy to have around.  If you need help creating this kind of consistency, I highly reccommend you contact Dr. Bocknek at bocknek@takebackthehome.com or visit the website at takebackthehome.com.  Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for parents and families.  You or your family can take one of his courses or can have him come to your town for one of his empowering talks or seminars.  If you are considering painful tough love parenting steps beyond what what the quiz talked about, its not to late to first try Dr. Bocknek’s easy to follow and phenomenally effective guidelines to a great home.

Good luck.  Sincerely, Dr. Bocknek, the problem solving expert for parents and families.

www.takebackthehome.com, www.keyboardculture.com

One can tackle the effects of divorce on children from many angles but no matter what you say the numbers of divorces are staggering.  World wide, it averages over 58%.  Because the goal of “the take back the home project” is not to drag you down into depression about your family issues or crises, I want to spend a few moments talking about how to empower you going through the divorce process.

The effects of divorce on your children could be disastrous or a time for bonding, loving and a chance to rise above who we normally are.  Its like the old saying “when you have lemons, make lemonade”.  Divorces are painful.  Normally nice people say awful things and behave in a way they would ordinarily be ashamed of.

To minimize the effects of divorce on your children, as the parent you must take some important steps.  Before we say what the steps are, we need to understand something about ourselves.  We are not fixed entities.  In other words, we are not like a table.  A table, no matter whether it is cold or hot or there is a divorce going on, unless you burn it to the ground, will remain to be a table.  Everyone will agree it is a table.  We as humans are not that.  We are what our actions are.  If I am being mature and appropriate at this moment then in this moment I am a mature and appropriate adult.  If I am screaming hysterically two minutes later then at that moment I am a hysterical adult.  So, in other words, we are fluid and constantly changing.

To minimize the effects of divorce on children, then, it is critical to be acutely aware of what your actions are because your actions will determine whether the effects of your divorce on your kids will be empowering or disastrous.

How do we facilitate empowering actions?  Empowering actions are driven by empowering questions that make us think in ways that lead us to constructive action.  For instance,  Instead of “Why is this happening to me”?  we might ask “Since this is happening what things can I say to my kids that will help them get through this?”  You could even improve on this, “what three things can I do today and the rest of this time so the effects of the divorce on my children won’t hurt their life”?  If we ask bad questions our brain goes nuts with destructive thoughts which will often lead to bad behavior on our part. Great questions lead our brain to come up with empowering solutions.

Empowering steps to take to minimize negative effects of divorce on children.

1) Ask of yourself empowering question? (as mentioned above)

2) Be honest, in how your actions could have been better in the marriage.  (share them with your kids)

3) Share with your kids you are a team and teams have ups and downs, but great teams always come through.  Remind yourself and them of this often.

4) Be the leader, keep playing your role and make sure the kids play their role.

Divorces stink but if we are smart we can learn empowering lessons of life from them.  Good Luck!

Dr. Robert Bocknek is “the Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families”.  See him at takebackthehome.com and at keyboardculture.com.  or write him at bocknek@takebackthehome.com.

You may be thinking in this economy about how to save money. That is an excellent thing to do.  In this economically uncertain time it is critical you save every dime you can.  As I mentioned in a previous post, this year especially, I highly recommend that you spend much more time with family and less time shopping.  This year may very well be the year you talk about for the rest of your life.  If you’re old enough it may be your year that is similar to your grandparent’s stories of how bad it was back in the old country or how bad it was during the depression.  But this conversation isn’t about how bad your life is going to be. Its about how to enrich your family life during stressful times.

This is a time to look within yourself and see what you can do for people who really have nothing for Thankgiving or the Holidays.  It doesn’t have to be allot.  It needs to be what you can do.  For instance, two of our boys work at the local supermarket and are given a couple of ten pound turkeys.  We are going to give them to the local food bank.  We are also going to look in our pantry for any old can of something we bought that no one is likely to use or may use but we really can afford to give it up.

If you can’t give anything or don’t want to, donate some of your time to serve food at the local food bank. If you have never done something like this you don’t know what you are missing.  Giving to a cause that has no seeming benefit to you pays you back ten fold.  If you want to really have a great thankgiving just try giving.  It will make watching the football games or the Macy’s parade seem like the waste of time that it is.

For your family,  as you donate stuff or your time, bring your kids. Let your children see the bounty they themselves have.  As I’ve mentioned in previous blogs, the key to solid relationships is the appreciation and acknowledgment of others in your life.  For those of you having difficulty communicating with your children donating or volunteering will give you and them a chance to step out of your rocky relationship and alter it.  What I mean by this is, in bad communications someone is usually breaking someone else’s rules.  An example of rule breaking could be your child breaking your rules by getting bad grades or not doing their chores or cleaning their room.  For the child, it may be they feel like you are going in their room without their permission.  What ensues after a rule break is an argument until the rules aren’t being percieved as being broken anymore.  What doing the donation does is take you guys out of that dynamic and puts you in a situation where you are on the same team, working together to help others.  What happens then is you get to see each other in a more positive, non confrontational situation with each other.  If your child refuses to go or doesn’t want to go…explain to them how we really need to help some people and thank the other volunteers for taking their time.    Also mention to your child often that you want to somehow make a bridge with them how you really feel bad about the discomfort between you.  Ask them to “please come with you and how much you would appreciate it”. Often when you or your children see these other volunteers donating their time it will call your child forward to participate.  Nothing but good can come from these moments.  When trying to create bridges with your child you need to be thick skinned.  They are children and often haven’t learned the restraint that comes with time.

When you feel like you have tried everything to get into better communication with your child realize there are always other avenues you haven’t come up with yet.  Donation and volunteering may be that avenue.  You can also try being a big brother or sister.  Years ago I was listening to an interview with Tony Robbins where someone was telling him how their business was bad and how he had tried everything to get his business moving.  Tony said “You tried everything”?  The man replied he had.  So Tony said ” ok, let me hear your top 30 marketing attempts or strategies that you have used”.  And the man replied he didn’t have that many.  Tony then said ” you haven’t tried everything, you just didn’t try the right one yet”.   So when you have reached your threshold with your children, always realize there are always other ideas to bridge that gap.

Take Back the Home Foundation is designed to help you with your family.  Don’t waste any time, contact us and see what we can do for you and your family.  Cheers, Dr. Robert.

I was listening to a radio show this morning and they were discussing how we should never tell our children they failed.  Now, make sure you read all that I have to say so you aren’t offended by the first 1 or 2 sentences.  First point being; When our children fail on a test in school or do poorly we need to tell them they failed.  If we don’t tell them they failed and say things like “well maybe you just didn’t understand it’, we as parents  failed.  In life people fail and other people succeed.  People win while others lose.  If we don’t let our kids understand this very basic point from the beginning we are setting them up in life to believe that their actions don’t matter.  We are setting them up to believe that life will be fine whether they put in a subpar effort or not.  That’s just not the case in life. Is it?

Now lets talk about what to do and say when our children fail.  When our children fail we need to discuss with them how the failure came about.  Lets be realistic most failures in school and in life come when we do all we can.  In school, mostly its because we didn’t study or didn’t study enough.  When we had questions about some of the material we didn’t ask our teacher to clarify a point or if we did we didn’t get into understanding enough to own the material.

I would like to tell you a personal life story.  When I was an undergraduate at Boston University I was taking a premed Biology class.  To be honest with you up until this class I only studied what I was interested in and was bright enough to get by in the other subjects.  So I studied, like I always did, what I thought was enough.  Out of 60 students, on the first mid term, I got not just an “F” but was in the bottom 15 of the class.  I was never so devastated in my life.  “How could I have failed like that?  Mr. Supersmart”.  I was in a panic.  “How was I going to go to graduate school”?  I spent the entire rest of the semester studying more for that class then all my other classes combined.  On the final I had to be in the top 10% to have a chance to get into grad school.  I wanted to drop out. I talked to the professor to please let me out.  She told me to think about it and come back the next day.  I would like to tell you I got brave and saw the vision that told me to go on. But that isn’t what happened.  I just avoided going to talk to her and literally studied around the clock, not because of anything other than I didn’t know what else to do.  The short of it was I pulled out the Final grade enough to get a “B”.  I tell you this story because that class changed my life.  I literally became a student that day.  Not just in that class, but in life.  From that point on I learned what it would take to make something of my life.  I learned that my actions and my actions alone will shape my destiny.  At the time I didn’t think of it that way but I knew I would sink or swim in my life based on what I did, not on what I justified was good enough.

So, here’s the thing with your children. Yes, tell them they failed.  Then go over with them what they can do to improve and improve drastically their studying technique, (and it is a technique).  Explain to them the only real failure now would be not to get back on the bike and work hard and work hard enough to succeed. Then you ride them.  Everyday, you want to see their homework.  Everyday, before anything else they study to completion.  If they have questions go to teacher, ask questions  and get answers.  How hard is hard enough and how will you know?  By the next test results, of course.

Don’t let your children go through school riding on their intelligence.  All kids eventually, like myself hit the class that beats them when they get overconfident.  I didn’t have the guidance when I was a child.  You, as parents, are in the position now to save your child a lot of pain in the future by teaching them these critical lessons.  That’s the problem with reading blogs like this.  Once you’ve read it you can never again say you didn’t know what to do.

So tell your kids they failed.  Show them how to win. Congratulate them to death when they really excel to embed in them how good it feels to succeed.  Once they really know what failure is, they can go on to be a success.

A child’s failure to succeed is a failure in the family. If you read our other blogs on roles in the family and applied the technology, you can remind them that they are failing in following what they agreed to in their role in the family, not all the roles, just this one…and not just this one but this one this time.  This enables you to acknowledge again what you are happy about so that the failure is understood in the context of how they are performing.  Give examples in your life of times where you failed but righted the wrong and what you learned from it.  Trust me if you remember the story it did change your life.

If you need help with your child’s education, or how to motivate them.  Write us.  We are experts.  We can get you and your family to where you want to be.  We can do one on one counseling or courses that gets your family the help it needs. Remember, success is overcoming your ego and asking experts.  You can figure it out yourself but you will waste so much time.  Time, you could be using for much better stuff like spending quality time with your family.

Cheers, Dr. Robert.

I want to talk briefly about about family and the holidays. The first part is about what you should do with your own family during the holiday season and the second part is what you do for other families.

As we begin the massive commercial onslaught which  always begins at this time of year please first take a moment and think what would be the greatest gift you could give to your family this year.  I hope what comes to your mind is… time, and lots of it.  Quality time.  You may have money or not have money but I can guarantee you what you and your kid’s memories will be in the future; It will be what conversations you had, what games you played, what practical joke you did, what hug you gave, what appreciation you shared with them.

A comment made about Yasser Arafat during the palestinian/israeli peace process was that he never missed an opportunity to miss an opportunity.  Today, this year is the year to say at least one great sincere comment to each member in your family.  If you are the leader of the family, stand up at the table and say what you appreciate about your family.  Have each person at the table, including the kids, stand up and say something endearing.  Be careful…the tears will flow.  Achknowledement and appreciation are the cornerstone to make this a great holiday, one that you will never forget.

In the line of acknowledgement and appreciation add gratefulness and generosity, be sure to give some food to some local facility.  You don’t have to even spend money.  You can empty out the pantry of stuff you never opened and take toys you know you children will never use again.  Even better, with the toys, share with your children about less fortunate children and how giving them some of their toys will change their lives for ever.  Bring the kids with you to drop them off so they can experience what it means to give.  Be sure to talk to them how good they feel doing it.  Play an imagination game with them seeing this little poor child being so happy with the toy.

As I hope you can see, when you make your holidays with your family really special, things begin to change.  Your relationship grows.  Your kids will have a better sense that family is about caring, sincerity, integrity, giving.  Know that by being a great family you help your neighbors. You make everything you touch better.  If each of us do this imagine what our country will be like.  So don’t miss your opportunities to be a great family.

One of the most frequent questions I’m asked when counseling clients is how do we get our kids organized.  What I’m about to say has to be modified based on the age of your children.  If you haven’t read any of the previous blogs, I encourage you to do so because each blog ties into the others.

When setting priorities in organizing, one needs to look at the bigger picture.  In other words, where do you want your children to get to in 1month, 1year, 5 years etc.  One also needs to look at what you are most unhappy with or lets say what needs the most improving at this time.  You can start by writing them down.  Get a list of at least 5 things.  Next compare 1 item to the next item.  Which is most important to improve.  When you pick one go to the next one on the list and that one with the one you just picked as most important until you have created a list of importance.

Understanding a problem isn’t the same thing as fixing a problem. It is a good first step, though.  An important next step in implementing a plan is having all parties present to discuss the issues at hand.  You may want to review what was discussed in the chores blog but lets repeat ourselves a little here.  A huge facilitator in positive family dynamics is understanding what role each person in the family plays.
As discussed earlier, you can sit down with the kids, draw a big circle on a piece of paper and  write in Dad, Mom and and all the kids names and go around and write in what each person’s contribution is in the family.  For example; dad goes to work, makes house payment, etc.  Mom cooks, works part time, helps with homework, Billy must do well in school by getting good grades, takes out the garbage, makes his bed etc.  Then you can discuss with the child or children the issues you prioritized earlier.  You make agreements and move forward.

This is a basic framework for moving forward in prioritizing what your children need to do.

If you are thinking this is too hard or is too much too put on your child I will tell you something which will, if you get it, set you free.  You must realize we are not raising a family in the same era which you grew up.  Society was much more forgiving then.  We could mess up a lot more back then and still do well.  Now, in every aspect of your family’s life it is more competitive.  If it is too hard to prioritize your family at this young level how can you possibly do it when they get older.

My courses and counseling sessions are designed directly at helping you solve these issues.  You were not trained to be successful in your personal and family life.  We can teach you how to achieve the results in the home and in your life that can make you succeed.  You came to this web site for answers so you must need help.  Contact us and see what “Take Back the Home” can do for you.   Sincerely, Dr. Robert.

In dealing with life issues, different people use different sources to empower them to move forth and create an action step.  I want to take a moment to paraphrase an important time in Abraham’s life as it relates to family and his rising in righteousness.  I’m sorry, but I am at the office right now so am going to be a little loose with the exact place in Genesis where this portion appears, (I forgot my bible this morning as I was rushing out the door, oh, wait a minute here it is..genesis 18:1  22-24).  It was the time after Ishmael was born but Sarah still hadn’t conceived a child.

Abraham deeply loved his son Ishmael and taught him the 7 noachide laws of how to behave.  Ishmael was a righteous boy.  For those of you who do not study the bible, prior to G-d giving the ten commandments to Moses, men and women were following 7 laws that were given to Noah after the receding of the flood waters.  Hagar, Ismael’s mother was tormenting Sarah because she had given Abraham a son while Sarah was still barren. This so infuriated Sarah she insisted that Hagar leave.  G-d told Abraham not to be angry and follow what Sarah spoke because her son would be the chosen descendant, not Hagar’s.  On hearing this, Abraham wept for G-d insisted that Hagar and Ishmael leave.

What does all this mean for you in your life?  Everything in the Bible is put there for a reason.  The Bible is not a straight history book.  It is a book of spiritual lessons that G-d wanted us to know.  Each one a moral code of choices we can learn from.   What I want you to get from this is that G-d wants us to know of the importance of the father and the mother in the family.  Men must honor the value of the women in the household, but also women must act honorably or there will be consequenses.  Abraham raised his son to be courteous, moral and G-d believing.  But also Abraham was a leader for his son, so much so that even when G-d did not allow Ishmael to be the heir, because Ishmael was righteous he would father  another great house,(ie muslims).  So then the message could be what the parent does in the house in raising the children can affect huge outcomes in society for generations to come.

So fathers, as you read this, be a leader for your family.  You need to lead from the front.  That means you must live the ethics you expect of your offspring and you have an obligation to teach them to your children.  You never know…maybe your child will be the next leader of a great nation.   Sincerely, Dr. Robert

A huge problem I have seen in my counseling of families is when parents don’t have their children contribute in the home.  Somehow along the way many families have reached the point where the parents work, the parents cook, the parents clean the dishes, cut the lawn, take out the garbage and perform every duty that needs to get done while the children are in the next room watching television, playing video games or on the computer.  Even if you are wealthy enough to have maids who do all these things, your kids need to contribute.  What kind of message is this sending to the kids?  What kind of appreciation are they going to have for others efforts when they themselves haven’t experienced the work that goes into keeping their lives going.  I’m not saying they need to contribute exactly as the parent does.  I am saying they do need to contribute.

When people are constantly on the receiving side and not equally on the giving side either consciously or unconsciously they feel guilty.  If they don’t alleviate the guilt they will act out inappropriately by being rude or disrespectful.  Don’t take my word for it.  Try to get them to do chores and see if they just do it or act out.

Every one in the family has a role to play.  Explain to the children your roles and then let them know theirs.  Our children are no more or less important to the family than we as parents.  So let them contribute.  If you don’t, can you imagine the kind of wife your daughter will make.  Thinking she should be treated as royalty.  Imagine the kind of woman who will want a man who is a slob, who won’t help do anything around the house.  Don’t do this to your kids.

For information on how to facilitate chores in the house write us back.  We want to hear from you.  Sincerely,  Dr. Robert.

One of the most important behaviors a family can do is have at least several meals together.  Relationships develop with time.  Since the dawn of man families and communities used the eating and preparing ritual to solidify the clan.  In modern days it is easy to fall into the trap of we are too busy and before you know it days, weeks, months and years have past and you are sitting there wondering why the family isn’t close anymore.

I’m going to give you a couple of important tips to get the most out of your meal together.  If you have teenagers:

1) don’t use the meal time to talk about bad grades or issues in the house.

2) Ask great questions, like any new girl friends or boy friends.  You can tease them.

3) Ask them about any sports they are playing

4) Tell them about your day and what you went through so they can see you are human

5) Share you with them.  Try to remember what it was like to be a teen.

6) Joke with them.  Remember no matter what this is your family.

If you have issues to talk to them about tell them before the meal later you would like to a few minutes with them to discuss stuff.  If they ask you what…you just tell them let’s talk about it later.

Action is what gets a great family.  don’t make this into an interesting blog.  Implement the meal immediately, be patient and watch your family love grow and grow.

Any comments…Please just write to me.   Cheers Dr. Robert.

We are currently getting our web page set up with our courses and CDs.  Until then we will be blogging on several subjects.  This one will be on how to recreate your home and family life so that you too can have the kind of home life you always wanted.

America and the world, as I see it, is in a crisis that is much bigger than the financial crisis.  Our family environment has been decimated by drugs, break ups, and impropriety.  Families, throughout the ages have been the center of our identity, our safe place.  When the world was in chaos, the family, even dysfunctional ones were where we could go to be protected.  All too often these days, the family has degenerated into a non functioning entity.

This problem is no small problem.  When you look at America what makes it great?  A great America is made up of Great states which are made up of great cities and towns, which are made up of great neighborhoods, which are made up of great families.  If your family goes down it becomes part of the problem.  How do we stop that from happening?

How do we, in our families, recreate that safe happy home?  Great families are built on two essential things…ethics and integrity.  What are ethics and integrity?  They are principles with which our family can stand on.  They don’t vary with what new video game comes out or what some news cast is telling you.  They are based on leadership from the parents that guide our children’s young minds toward success.  It is how parents teach responsibility in their children and live by that same code themselves.  What is success?  It isn’t just about money.  It is about being a good person in the neighborhood, who looks after his or her neighbors, someone who will make their parents and children proud.

If you would like to learn more about takebackthehome project and whether they can help you…just blog us back and we will let you know about our courses and CDs.  Our primery goal is to bring back joy into America one family at a time.