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Tough love parenting is a term which is thrown around, usually with the meaning that the parents have tried everything and nothing worked so now we have to make our child miserable until they behave.  Here’s the thing.  Kids need guidelines and leadership, from the parents, in their life.  It’s no wonder that kids from single parents are 3 times more likely to have a run in with the law than two parent homes.  If you exclude two parent homes where one of the parents has an addiction the data skews even more to 5 times more likely to have a run in with the law.

So then, if the family is a two parent home with no addictions, the main reason why tough love parenting is needed is that the parents have been lacking in guiding and leading their child for quite some time.  Rather than be offended whether this is true of you or not lets do a quick quiz and see how you do.

tough love parenting quiz

1. Do your children have chores that must be done by them?
2. Do they do them? or Do they complain when you remind them?
3. Are their grades in the top 20% of their class?
4. Do your children talk back to you often?
5. Do you honestly enjoy your children’s company?

These are only 5 questions but there could be many more.  If you answered no to at least one of these questions or answered yes to #4 then you need a boot camp on rules and parenting.

Here’s the thing, what a lot of parents call tough love parenting really ought to be renamed leadership parenting. Often simple guidelines like the ones mentioned in the quiz above, when enforced, are enough to totally transform your child into just a great person who is a joy to have around.  If you need help creating this kind of consistency, I highly reccommend you contact Dr. Bocknek at bocknek@takebackthehome.com or visit the website at takebackthehome.com.  Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for parents and families.  You or your family can take one of his courses or can have him come to your town for one of his empowering talks or seminars.  If you are considering painful tough love parenting steps beyond what what the quiz talked about, its not to late to first try Dr. Bocknek’s easy to follow and phenomenally effective guidelines to a great home.

Good luck.  Sincerely, Dr. Bocknek, the problem solving expert for parents and families.

www.takebackthehome.com, www.keyboardculture.com

One can tackle the effects of divorce on children from many angles but no matter what you say the numbers of divorces are staggering.  World wide, it averages over 58%.  Because the goal of “the take back the home project” is not to drag you down into depression about your family issues or crises, I want to spend a few moments talking about how to empower you going through the divorce process.

The effects of divorce on your children could be disastrous or a time for bonding, loving and a chance to rise above who we normally are.  Its like the old saying “when you have lemons, make lemonade”.  Divorces are painful.  Normally nice people say awful things and behave in a way they would ordinarily be ashamed of.

To minimize the effects of divorce on your children, as the parent you must take some important steps.  Before we say what the steps are, we need to understand something about ourselves.  We are not fixed entities.  In other words, we are not like a table.  A table, no matter whether it is cold or hot or there is a divorce going on, unless you burn it to the ground, will remain to be a table.  Everyone will agree it is a table.  We as humans are not that.  We are what our actions are.  If I am being mature and appropriate at this moment then in this moment I am a mature and appropriate adult.  If I am screaming hysterically two minutes later then at that moment I am a hysterical adult.  So, in other words, we are fluid and constantly changing.

To minimize the effects of divorce on children, then, it is critical to be acutely aware of what your actions are because your actions will determine whether the effects of your divorce on your kids will be empowering or disastrous.

How do we facilitate empowering actions?  Empowering actions are driven by empowering questions that make us think in ways that lead us to constructive action.  For instance,  Instead of “Why is this happening to me”?  we might ask “Since this is happening what things can I say to my kids that will help them get through this?”  You could even improve on this, “what three things can I do today and the rest of this time so the effects of the divorce on my children won’t hurt their life”?  If we ask bad questions our brain goes nuts with destructive thoughts which will often lead to bad behavior on our part. Great questions lead our brain to come up with empowering solutions.

Empowering steps to take to minimize negative effects of divorce on children.

1) Ask of yourself empowering question? (as mentioned above)

2) Be honest, in how your actions could have been better in the marriage.  (share them with your kids)

3) Share with your kids you are a team and teams have ups and downs, but great teams always come through.  Remind yourself and them of this often.

4) Be the leader, keep playing your role and make sure the kids play their role.

Divorces stink but if we are smart we can learn empowering lessons of life from them.  Good Luck!

Dr. Robert Bocknek is “the Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families”.  See him at takebackthehome.com and at keyboardculture.com.  or write him at bocknek@takebackthehome.com.