takebackthehome.com

One can tackle the effects of divorce on children from many angles but no matter what you say the numbers of divorces are staggering.  World wide, it averages over 58%.  Because the goal of “the take back the home project” is not to drag you down into depression about your family issues or crises, I want to spend a few moments talking about how to empower you going through the divorce process.

The effects of divorce on your children could be disastrous or a time for bonding, loving and a chance to rise above who we normally are.  Its like the old saying “when you have lemons, make lemonade”.  Divorces are painful.  Normally nice people say awful things and behave in a way they would ordinarily be ashamed of.

To minimize the effects of divorce on your children, as the parent you must take some important steps.  Before we say what the steps are, we need to understand something about ourselves.  We are not fixed entities.  In other words, we are not like a table.  A table, no matter whether it is cold or hot or there is a divorce going on, unless you burn it to the ground, will remain to be a table.  Everyone will agree it is a table.  We as humans are not that.  We are what our actions are.  If I am being mature and appropriate at this moment then in this moment I am a mature and appropriate adult.  If I am screaming hysterically two minutes later then at that moment I am a hysterical adult.  So, in other words, we are fluid and constantly changing.

To minimize the effects of divorce on children, then, it is critical to be acutely aware of what your actions are because your actions will determine whether the effects of your divorce on your kids will be empowering or disastrous.

How do we facilitate empowering actions?  Empowering actions are driven by empowering questions that make us think in ways that lead us to constructive action.  For instance,  Instead of “Why is this happening to me”?  we might ask “Since this is happening what things can I say to my kids that will help them get through this?”  You could even improve on this, “what three things can I do today and the rest of this time so the effects of the divorce on my children won’t hurt their life”?  If we ask bad questions our brain goes nuts with destructive thoughts which will often lead to bad behavior on our part. Great questions lead our brain to come up with empowering solutions.

Empowering steps to take to minimize negative effects of divorce on children.

1) Ask of yourself empowering question? (as mentioned above)

2) Be honest, in how your actions could have been better in the marriage.  (share them with your kids)

3) Share with your kids you are a team and teams have ups and downs, but great teams always come through.  Remind yourself and them of this often.

4) Be the leader, keep playing your role and make sure the kids play their role.

Divorces stink but if we are smart we can learn empowering lessons of life from them.  Good Luck!

Dr. Robert Bocknek is “the Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families”.  See him at takebackthehome.com and at keyboardculture.com.  or write him at bocknek@takebackthehome.com.

An important issue that needs to be addressed in family matters is the issue of divisiveness.  Your family is not a political agenda.  Your family is not a vehicle to berate others.  Your family, in my opinion, should not be a place where parents should be teaching hate, discrimination or opinions that do not empower your children to be better people.

I vote conservatively. I think conservatively.  Frankly, though, I feel somewhere along the line the conservative message got hijacked to a religious message.  It not only got hijacked to a religious message (which would be great as long as it is inclusive), it got hijacked to a warped religious message.  What I’m about to say is going to anger some conservatives, but I feel will connect to the conservative silent majority.

My angst evolves around these issues. When did the right to life message usurp conservative fiscal policy?  When did the gay marriage issue usurp the government should get out of the way doctrine?  I remember when Jerry Falwell was spewing his opinions at everyone back in the 80s and again in the 90s.  His holier than thou opinions of  how people should be was  and has caused extreme divisiveness in the conservative movement.  Somewhere along the way he became the dispenser of what was acceptable behavior in America.  If you disagreed with him you weren’t a moral person.  He acted like he was the adult and we were the wayward children who didn’t know how to behave.  I’m not saying he was evil or bad.  What I am saying is that he lost focus.  I am saying he found a niche where he could speak and exploited the niche.  We know, in his church he didn’t spend his whole time talking about rights to life or the gay lifestyle.  What he spoke about was God’s teachings about ethics, integrity and being a good person.  He probably spoke extensively about how to treat your neighbor and on being generous.  So then why so much focus on divisive issues out in public?

I think the saying goes “the biggest disasters have come out of the best of intentions”. The point is  we should all be more moral.  We should spend enough time praying and being thankful.  We should live with integrity and ethics.  The point is we are a fallen people, however, we can from this point  forward talk and live with ethics and integrity in our own lives, the way God laid it out for us.  One doesn’t have to look too deep into the new testament to recall Jesus yelling at the apostals for judging Mary.  As any biblical scholar knows, the bible is not a historical document.  Every line is there because of the lesson it can teach us.  The point then would be if its important enough to mention in the bible about judging and criticizing others, why then have divisive and judgment issues become the center point of the conservative platform.  I put forth, it is because good people are seeing a decay in society.  These good people followed what they could get good press on.  The liberal media doesn’t want to hear about great families…they want to hear about issues that can make the conservative party look out of touch and tyrannical.  This divisive religious movement of these groups have played right into their hands to the point that the republican party is in tatters.

In our families, don’t teach divisiveness. Teach your kids to understand the weakness of man.  Don’t point at someone who is different from your beliefs.  Point at yourself and your weaknesses and share them with your kids.  Tell them about a time in your life when you strayed and how you dealt with it.  Lead your children with compassion and a higher bar.  When they ask questions about issues or behaviors, tell them how you feel about it but explain to them there will come a time when they will have to deal with issues themselves.  Let them know their role in life is to succeed with integrity.

Whenever we lose our way and think we know all the answers we invariably lose most of our audience.  The last election and our financial meltdown are prime examples of how far we have come in losing that audience.  We need to reach out to the masses, not as self proclaimed keepers of God’s thoughts but by being better people.  This does not mean to not speak out.  The exact opposite is true.  It means get involved. It means to acknowledge people for their good qualities and find ways of letting the lost souls of society know that we are here for them but we have expectations of them to raise their bar.  If you think pro-life issues are key to your life, don’t picket.  It just makes miserable people more miserable.  Adopt those babies.  Take those people into your homes.  Only then will you truly be doing God’s work.

Just a few thoughts to mull over.