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Computer addiction in our kids has become a huge problem in the family.  Although computer addiction and computer game addiction are not exactly the same thing, for this discussion we will treat them as such in this blog.

The first point in understanding  how we develop into having a computer addiction or a computer game addiction is to understand, we are what we do. We are not fixed as one one way or one behavior our entire life.  If we were we would be the same person at 10 years old as we are at 40 years old.  So, if we are what we do then we are most likely to become what we spend the most time doing.  Does this make sense?  Therefore, if our teens spend most of their free time on the computer, they have a huge potential to developing a computer addiction.

The second point is why is spending a lot of time on the computer a bad thing. It is bad because our teens and children are like sponges.  Everything they get exposed to gets absorbed.  For parents, who are concerned about the negative effects of too much computer,  you have a right to be.  You, as parents, I’m sure want to be the backbone of your children’s moral and ethical persona.  That’s why you are careful who your children play with and who your teens hang out with.  In the past, you felt safe when your kids were home.  The computer has taken that safety away.  If not carefully monitored computer addiction is a real possibility.

Symptoms of computer addiction are a loss of control to being on and lying about how much time they are on.  Anger when the parent sets limits to the time being spent on the computer.  The parent finds despite being punished the child is still breaking the rules.  Lower grades.  Shorter temper with parents when asked about what they were doing on the computer.

What to do about computer addiction. Your child or teen doesn’t need to be diagnosed as a computer addict or computer game addict by an expert for you to do something about it.  If you feel your child or teen is exhibiting any of the above symptoms or you would just rather they go out and play or read a book, facilitate change.  You, as the parent are the moral and ethical backbone of the family if you choose to be.  If you don’t do anything then you are choosing not to be.

Five Steps to handling computer addiction:

1) Set how much time they can be on.

2) Enforce the rules

3) Their door must be open when they are on the computer

4) If necessary, use child block soft ware to limit what they can see.

5) If they won’t follow the rules, take the computer out of their room and put it in a common room so you can watch them.

Computer addiction can be a real problem with children and teen social development.  It doesn’t have to be.

Dr. Robert Bocknek is “the problem solving expert for families”.  For questions regarding computer addiction or other important family problems see his sight at takebackthehome.com or soon to be at keyboardculture.com.

I woke up this morning, had a cup of coffee, opened up the laptop to see what the world did last night while I was sleeping.  Lets see, Israel is blasting away at their terrorists, Hezbollah says they will join in.  In Pakistan they moved their troops to the Indian border because of their issues with the Mumbai tragedy only to have the Taliban come in to behead half a town where the Pakistani troops left.

So I’m thinking, to myself, how bad are American society problems.  Honestly, if I hadn’t read the news I would have thought really bad, but after having read the news I came to realize, all things taken into consideration, America will get by.  Then I opened up the financial section, and got to be feeling bad again.  This got me thinking, American society problems, whether I read the news or not are the same problems.  So what was the difference in my feelings about our situation?  It was my perception of the problems.

Continuing on this thought process, American society problems are going to be here regardless of what we do. We must be careful, then, what we are spending our time thinking about, talking about and listening to.  If our societal problems are overwhelming our sense of well being we must be focusing too much time on the negative news.  This is not to say we should be ignorant about the world.  Its just that humans need to be sure to not move into to helplessness because of the overwhelming nature of the world events.

If we extrapolate further from the American society problems to the American family problems we see a similar problem if we spend too much time worrying about what will happen to us during this economic downturn.  We will begin to approach overwhelm within our own family.  This mentality is a devastating place for the family.  Our family (your family) must survive!  So if family issues are arising, its critical to not focus on the overwhelming nature of the bad news that is everywhere.

When dealing with American society problems or American family problems it is essential to take a moment and actively think what can I do right now, today to assure that my family will be Okay tomorrow.  Then spend most of your time working on what you came up with.  We can’t solve all the problems today.  But like the axe hitting the tree, one hit doesn’t seem like it makes that big a difference.  If the axe keeps hitting the tree, the tree will eventually fall.  If we keeping taking actions to fix our family problems, one at a time, we will survive.

Dr. Robert Bocknek is “the Problem solving experts for families”.  For more questions or comments contact Dr. Bocknek at takebackthehome.com.  Dr. Bocknek is also an internationally renown speaker who can come to your company or church and give empowering courses at your facility.

The perils of step parenting are vast and treacherous.  As a man who took on 2 teenage boys, who haven’t had a father living in the house since they were 4 and 2, I am a veritable expert in the blended family.

The first of the perils of step parenting has very little to do with the kids themselves.  It has to do with the overprotective parent.  One thing to watch for is the parent who is madly in love with you and who trusts you implicitly with almost anything.  You turn into the evil step parent when it comes to their kids.  In my case, she wanted me to be the father they never had as long as she got to decide when.

The second of the perils of step parenting to watch for is the young male energy.  I have found that there can be a lot of resentment from one of the boys not being the man of the house anymore.

The third of the perils of step parenting is the “you don’t love my kids as much as you love yours” comment.  This takes place especially in the discipline time. There are many more perils, but that’s enough for this blog

Step parenting requires one most important ingredient from which all other behaviors will succeed or fail.  The parents must act like adults.  What does this mean?  This means that each parent must decide before you get married that you trust this person you are marrying.  If you married them then the implication is that you do trust them.  (For those of you who aren’t sure you do…this blog isn’t for you).  Implied in being an adult, means that when dealing with children issues rational behavior must rule the day.

The perils of step parents will greatly diminish when both parents create agreements between them as to what the rules of the house are.  The rules are the laws of the house.  Once the rules are in place they literally should be signed by both parents.  I can tell you honestly, this is huge.  When, in my home and with families I counseled didn’t do this, trouble wasn’t too far away.  For instance, with chores,  you state who does what and what are the penalties when not done.  When I counsel families, who have really intense fighting I make the parents, themselves, write down what the penalties are for themselves when they break the rules when the other parent is enforcing the rules.

Discipline has a bad reputation, but discipline is freeing when everyone understands what the laws of the house are and what the penalties are.  Remember, you are reading this blog, so you must have some of these issues.  The key to success when dealing with the perils of step parenting is to remember that you the step parents decided to take the plunge and get married again.  You run the risk of making the same mistakes you made in the first marriage.  Try writing down the rules and penalties.  Have everyone sign off on them. Live by them for a week.  You will see a huge change.

Dr. Robert Bocknek is “the problem solving expert for families”.  Write him with any comments at bocknek@takebackthehome.com.

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In the last blog we talked about learning our roles in the family so we know what our place in the family is.  We talked about acknowledging each other which gives a feeling of appreciation.  This, as mentioned before, leads to higher esteem.

Today we are going to talk about personal growth for the stay at home mom. All of us have heard someone say “I just out-grew him or her”, hence justifying the break up of the marriage or relationship.  How does this happen?  Why does this happen?  Is it real?  What can we do about it?

In answer to the most important question, Yes people do outgrow one another. Why?  Because, in our stay at home mom family, the husband spends his whole day with adults and is learning new concepts, ideas, talks politics etc.  Personal growth is based on constantly experiencing new things.  The stay at home mom spends most of her days with children and although those little munchkins are amazing, they don’t exactly have an opinion on world economics.  Since marriage goes on for years, if one person keeps on learning about the outside world, their growth curve is much faster.  It literally outpaces that of the stay at home mom.  So the husband comes home after work with all new information about the world and the stay at home mom can only talk about what the kids did.  The excitement about the kids is an experiencial situation.  In other words, if you weren’t there it wasn’t quite as exciting.  An example of this might be parachuting out of an airplane is not the same thing as watching someone doing it or even worse having someone telling you about it.  Unless the story teller is amazing it just isn’t that compelling.  The wife begins to feel like she has nothing to say.  She may begin to wonder whether she is becoming boring and the inevitable end play of this scenario is low self esteem.

What can the stay at home mom do? The beauty of the new world is the computer.  I highly encourage you to get on yahoo and read the news, the sports, the fashion.  Remember what made your husband attracted to you in the first place.  You don’t have to recreate the wheel.  If you do half of what you used to do you will become great again in no time.  Don’t forget, that guy who comes home every night is the guy who married you.  So you are already the kind of woman he likes.  If you used to have a great figure, work out.  Don’t be lazy.  You know when you look good you feel much better about yourself.  Join a gym, most now have nurseries.  Add to your role list, you wrote down before, to keep growing and before you know it you  will be and feel more interesting, attractive and guess what… no more low self esteem.

Dr. Robert is “the Problem Solving Experts for Families”.  If you have any question just email him at bocknek@takebackthehome.com.

The self esteem for stay at home moms can become a critical issue in the family if not handled well.  Where does self esteem come from?  By definitions it comes from within the person who has the problem.  It would be convenient to just blame the mom and tell her to shape up. The problem with that is it only worsens the dynamics in the family.  Common things seen in a family where self esteem issues are present are children not listening to the mother, a lack of respect, true or perceived, for her not just from the kids, but also from the husband.  This dynamic becomes self perpetuating, in other words, the esteem issue causes bad feelings which in turn causes more esteem issues.  This imbalance can lead to serious problems such as drinking, drug abuse, to infidelity or just a lousy marriage.

If one wants to change this situation we want to look at a few things first.   The first being, how did the mother come to be the stay at home mom.  Was it a mutual decision or did one of the partners decide this was how it was going to be and the other partner just capitulated.  Relationships are based on a series of agreements.  Whatever the agreement was that started situation it behooves the family to work its way out of it.

Without doing prolonged marriage counseling or individual counseling which often exacerbates the problem, because we are what we think about,  I often find the best way to solve this problem is to have everyone in the family go over what their role in the family is.  I say this because, if you have read my other blogs, you will remember that a family is not a thing like a table.  It is an entity based on a dynamic series of actions that either lead us to success or doom us to failure.

How do we know what actions bring success? The first thing to know is what role each person plays in the family.  Its like the old adage, if you don’t know where your want to go the odds are you aren’t going anywhere but a place you don’t want to be.  In the stay at home mom family, the dad goes to work, cuts the lawn etc. the mom cleans, cooks etc. and the kids go to school etc.  In those roles we need to acknowledge each other for doing our part well.  We need to do this often and with sincerity.  The father plays a critical role in holding the mother in a high place so to insure that all in the family know that she is critical to the success of the family and needs to be respected for it.  Part of the husband’s role is to hold the mother in this position.  In doing this, the mother will naturally feel in higher status which invariably creates higher esteem.  For the mother’s part, she too must appreciate her husband for going to work and support him in all that he does so he will want to appreciate her in return.  In part 2 we will discuss the part of the mother’s role that she herself can help with her esteem issues herself.

Dr. Robert is ‘the problem solving expert for families”.  Contact him if you have any questions.

When issues arise in the family it is important to have a system and a behavior that facilitates getting through the crisis.  I use the word crisis because it is important to label things in a way that makes you get into action.  If you think its a crisis you should naturally want to sit down and resolve issues immediately.  For this short blog I am going to cook book some ground rules that can systematize the progress.

1) Start conversation in a calm state.  If you need a cool down period, definitely take it.  If your partner or child needs it…be sure to not start in until they are calmed down.

2) No one leaves until it is resolved.  Resolved means each party says they are ok with what the problem was and that they feel that they understand the others position.

3) If your goal is to resolve an issue, never blame.  In the process, avoid  “you did this”.  Or worse yet…”You always do this”.  No one responds to a blame, especially if they are guilty of the crime. Worse yet, no one will ever respond well to a generalized blame like you always do this or that.  (Remember, in fact no one ever does something always or never.)  The surest way to not resolve an issue is to blame.

4) Confront with statements like”I need to talk.” and then “I feel this and this.”  “Please tell me your side of it.”  Then allow them to respond uninterrupted.

5) Make sure they respond to your comment, not something that is interesting.  Often people avoid the point, especially when they are guilty.  An example would be “Hey the chores are not getting done”.  They respond “billy doesn’t have to do chores”.  In this example they didn’t respond to the question.  In this instance you must go back to an already agreed upon point.  You can say “Thats interesting about billy but we had an agreement, which you accepted, so please follow through.  OK?”  Depending on age you can give an example of something you do like “What if I don’t go to work? or Don’t cook?” Then finish with “Don’t make this a discipline issue.  Please, I need you to do the stuff you know you have to do”.

6) Make all resolutions about agreements made.

7) Always close with the reassurance of love and how you depend on the other.

These simple rules will go a long way in problem solving in the family.

Dr. Robert is the “Problem Solving Expert for Families”.  Contact us for any help you need.

An important issue that needs to be addressed in family matters is the issue of divisiveness.  Your family is not a political agenda.  Your family is not a vehicle to berate others.  Your family, in my opinion, should not be a place where parents should be teaching hate, discrimination or opinions that do not empower your children to be better people.

I vote conservatively. I think conservatively.  Frankly, though, I feel somewhere along the line the conservative message got hijacked to a religious message.  It not only got hijacked to a religious message (which would be great as long as it is inclusive), it got hijacked to a warped religious message.  What I’m about to say is going to anger some conservatives, but I feel will connect to the conservative silent majority.

My angst evolves around these issues. When did the right to life message usurp conservative fiscal policy?  When did the gay marriage issue usurp the government should get out of the way doctrine?  I remember when Jerry Falwell was spewing his opinions at everyone back in the 80s and again in the 90s.  His holier than thou opinions of  how people should be was  and has caused extreme divisiveness in the conservative movement.  Somewhere along the way he became the dispenser of what was acceptable behavior in America.  If you disagreed with him you weren’t a moral person.  He acted like he was the adult and we were the wayward children who didn’t know how to behave.  I’m not saying he was evil or bad.  What I am saying is that he lost focus.  I am saying he found a niche where he could speak and exploited the niche.  We know, in his church he didn’t spend his whole time talking about rights to life or the gay lifestyle.  What he spoke about was God’s teachings about ethics, integrity and being a good person.  He probably spoke extensively about how to treat your neighbor and on being generous.  So then why so much focus on divisive issues out in public?

I think the saying goes “the biggest disasters have come out of the best of intentions”. The point is  we should all be more moral.  We should spend enough time praying and being thankful.  We should live with integrity and ethics.  The point is we are a fallen people, however, we can from this point  forward talk and live with ethics and integrity in our own lives, the way God laid it out for us.  One doesn’t have to look too deep into the new testament to recall Jesus yelling at the apostals for judging Mary.  As any biblical scholar knows, the bible is not a historical document.  Every line is there because of the lesson it can teach us.  The point then would be if its important enough to mention in the bible about judging and criticizing others, why then have divisive and judgment issues become the center point of the conservative platform.  I put forth, it is because good people are seeing a decay in society.  These good people followed what they could get good press on.  The liberal media doesn’t want to hear about great families…they want to hear about issues that can make the conservative party look out of touch and tyrannical.  This divisive religious movement of these groups have played right into their hands to the point that the republican party is in tatters.

In our families, don’t teach divisiveness. Teach your kids to understand the weakness of man.  Don’t point at someone who is different from your beliefs.  Point at yourself and your weaknesses and share them with your kids.  Tell them about a time in your life when you strayed and how you dealt with it.  Lead your children with compassion and a higher bar.  When they ask questions about issues or behaviors, tell them how you feel about it but explain to them there will come a time when they will have to deal with issues themselves.  Let them know their role in life is to succeed with integrity.

Whenever we lose our way and think we know all the answers we invariably lose most of our audience.  The last election and our financial meltdown are prime examples of how far we have come in losing that audience.  We need to reach out to the masses, not as self proclaimed keepers of God’s thoughts but by being better people.  This does not mean to not speak out.  The exact opposite is true.  It means get involved. It means to acknowledge people for their good qualities and find ways of letting the lost souls of society know that we are here for them but we have expectations of them to raise their bar.  If you think pro-life issues are key to your life, don’t picket.  It just makes miserable people more miserable.  Adopt those babies.  Take those people into your homes.  Only then will you truly be doing God’s work.

Just a few thoughts to mull over.

Ignorance is ignorance no matter what. Writing things that have no forethought, ethics or respect is wrong no matter what you believe in. When we become divisive rather than cohesive it just opens the doors to extremes.

All true religions believe in god. People can choose not to believe in god.  That is their choice. I don’t know why they would want to but again, that is their choice.  I suspect one of two things happened to them.  They had lousy teachers on the subject, which I have wrote extensively on. Or two, people who they have come in contact with have shoved religion down their throat so learning about God’s teachings was a painful, rather than a joyous, experience.

The only thing we know about god is that he is omnipotent, all knowing and that we can’t understand all that he does.  Since god knows everything he must have wanted all religions to exist as long as they follow his teachings.  There is plenty of great empowering messages from god we can teach and if we just focus on them it will take us our entire life to live up to those standards.

Although, I really enjoy Bill O’reilly most of the time, there are times when I can really understand  the anger toward him.  A couple of weeks ago, he had on a young woman of about 20 on his show.  She was there to tell about the horrible experience that happened to her.  She went to the Castro  area of San Francisco with a group and marched up and down letting all the gay people know that they can be healed of their sicknes by just finding God.  First off,  for those of you who don’t know, Castro st. is probably the center of gay living in the world.  It is a place where gay people choose to live so they won’t be ridiculed and attacked.  I imagine it is one of the safest places to live in almost any city in any country.  Not just for gays.  Many straight people also live there.  I lived there myself for a period of time and I’m not gay.   What happened was someone go so upset about the group they grabbed her bible and hit her with it.  The girl went on to say she didn’t  press charges but did call the police and Bill feigned outrage that the guy wasn’t arrested.

So here’s my point.  I believe in God.  I need God in my life like I need air.  When I don’t spend enought time praying to God and studying the bible I find myself weakening spiritually.  I wish I could help more people find the joy and peace I’ve discovered since coming back to him.  But to make other people miserable so I can go on a mission is just wrong.  How does a 20 year old get the idea to go to the Castro of all places and do that.  If that girl and her group spent the same amount of effort explaining how much joy she has found in God and do it well with out all that judgement and opinions her results would have been 1000 fold better.  People, like her group ran the inquisiton  and burned witches in Salem.  Bill O’reilly knew better but he just created a lot of anger.  How did that make the world a better place.

Don’t teach your children to hurt others and tell yourself you didn’t know.  Let God do the judging.  He is your savior not you.

In closing, maybe everyone can just take a breath and live the teachings, not act like we know everything.  Happy holidays,

Dr. Robert.  Takebackthehome.com.

How are your kids doing about preparing for college?  If you haven’t decided yet and your child is a senior, sorry but your are very close to being too late for getting scholarships and grants.  For all the other parents out there who have a child who next year will be going to college, this article is for you.   First thing, know the grades of the perspective schools requirements.  I can tell you for most state schools it is at least 3.35-3.5.  This can be overcome, however with a high SAT score.  A critical point that my wife and I missed with our first son was the need for significant community service work.  If you read my previous blogs about the value for doing community service for your child’s growth, you need to know the value is equally high in how much scholarship and grant money you can get for your child.  All colleges we applied for had community service as a requirement to get the maximum money.  Let me tell you, you won’t believe how much you can get.  Our first son got everything paid except $5000 and books, room and board included.  We have 4 teens and let me tell you that was huge.  If we had got him doing community service he would have gotten a minimum of another $2000 or possibly a free ride.  We won’t make that mistake again.  Our #2 son has been working at the local hospital and Hope lodge.  I must tell you its amazing how much he has grown since doing this work.  He literally has become warm and fuzzy.  Never underestimate what doing great stuff can do for the youth.  Second point is definitely apply early for early acceptance.  Grant and scholarship money seem to be doled out first come first serve so if you’re late it could cost you thousands of dollars.  Get your tax return done early so you can put in your financial data early with your early application.  Find ways to make your income as low as possible.  It seems corrupt, don’t break any laws but the lower the income the higher the money you will get.  Apply to several schools.  Different schools have different money they have access to.

Ok, so here’s the basics.  1) Community service is a “get on the internet and find every hospital phone # concept”. If they can take your child great, if not, they tend to be a wealth of knowledge for other places to go.  You can also apply to the local library.  You can do shelters but need to decide if it is safe for your child.

2) The whole grade issue is about strategy and motivation.  At take back the home foundation we can teach how to accomplish getting your child to where they need to be.  Because we don’t have the huge overhead many places have our fees are very affordable.  Read our blogs on our site for some insight on how to move forward.  If your children’s grades aren’t what they should be, 90% of the time it is a family issue.  It doesn’t mean you are bad parents.  Getting your kids to perform at a level that will allow them to succeed is a skill.  It is a skill that can be taught and learned.  Like anything you have successfully learned in your life, you need to study enough to get competent.  The only thing holding students back is strategy, not intelligence.

3) Teach your children how to learn.  The first step is creating roles in the family so that your child will understand that getting good grades is part of who they are and how they fit into the family.  No different than the parents going to work or cooking.  Children need to understand that they are an integral part of the family and needed for the success of the family.  Once they  understand this they will begin to reorganize in their mind who they are.  What you will find as a parent, if you define roles in the home and follow through with them your child will become a child who will make you proud and one who will be very proud of themselves.  At take back the home foundation we teach these steps and literally change lives.

4) Enjoy the process.  Although getting your child into college is very stressful you can take great pride in your accomplishment.  Sharing with your children your stress will give them great appreciation of the gift you are giving them.  It will also help them to see the responsibility that they have to achieve.  During these times acknowledge your child for doing their part in getting into school. Please let this be one of the cornerstones of your family’s growth and memory.  It is the next step in the their growth in reachng their potential and one of the last major hurdles of your life.

Good luck, Cheers Dr. Robert

I was talking America today with another gentleman and the person I was speaking with kept basing his argument on how the rest of the world doesn’t like us. At first I thought he had a point… but then I started remembering  being a teenager again and what happened to me when I spent too much time trying to be liked.  I thought of all the stupid situations, the trouble and embarrassment I got myself into.  Then I said to him, we don’t need to care if the rest of the world likes us.  We are the backbone of the world.  Only we, America, because of our youth, are not stuck to some old cultural predjudice that dictates the kind of hate that we see in Northern Ireland, with the Croates and the Serbs, the Hutus and the tutsis etc.

I’m not saying old culture is bad, in fact, au contrare, it is that we, America, are in my opinion the best of what those old cultures have to offer.  We are an accumulation of people who were cheated, stolen from, persecuted by our homeland.  The people who made it to America aren’t just brave people who left their homeland.  We are adventurers, intelligent, revolutionary.  We are the center of all that the world can be and should be.  Our failures are much more important to the world because of who we are.  We may have bad leaders, have bad periods of time and make awful decisions but we are all that the world has to turn to against the tyranny of the likes or the Iranian regime, or of Putin, or the taliban or Al Queda.  I believe, subconsciously, those other countries see us as their child with all their hope of the future on our shoulders. Our failures are their failures.  It is so painful to watch us falter, they yell at us.  But like all parents, when the child grows up,  they come to realize we don’t need their guidance anymore and in fact are a bit resentful that we don’t follow them.  Good parents, at some point, come to realize maybe the child can actually guide the parents since they have grown up.  Bad parents never see the light.

Look what the Europeans do when Russia invades Georgia.  They do what they always have done…nothing.  Russia is still inside of Georgia despite agreeing to leave.  They will stay there until America pushes them out.  We as Americans need to stop worrying about what other countries like or dislike about us.  As with aging parents, some stay dynamic and can be guiding post to the child throughout their life.  Some aging parents are just adults who stopped growing a long time ago and are becoming the child whom need to be cared for.  I believe that’s what these other countries have become.

Rather than worry about being liked, we, as American families need to begin to raise up ourselves and fill the higher calling that being American requires. We need to  look at what our narcissistic, integrity void government, and business practices have brought the world to in these recent weeks.

We as individuals need to regain that positive can do attitude. Only then can we expect to be able to bring up a leader who we can respect, who can call us forth.  In our own families we need to ask ourselves are we living with integrity.  As parents are we teaching our children our values or are we leaving it up to Youtube and Myspace.

As parents do we need to be liked by our children? NO!!! We hope our children like us but we need to be respected first.  Is our goal to be our children’s friend or their leader?  Do we not sometimes have to make decisions for our children that they really hate because it is the right thing to do, not just for them but for the entire family?

I believe we first need to raise our own bar in the family.  Parents have to stop the 60s guilt of trying to be nice.  Love your kids, love your spouse.  Be a superstar in your family.  Don’t worry about being liked by your kids.  When you are on your game they will respect you and feel safe with you and trust you.  Then, you will be able to guide them.  Only then can they truly like you.

As with the family, America doesn’t need to be liked. First it needs to be respected then the rest will follow.  If we as Americans can’t create positive change than which country do we turn to? We know the answer to that question.  No one.  So when you get one of those moments when you feel like hating America, think what you can do today to facilitate your family to be better and live it.