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I don’t usually talk too much politics on this sight but after reading and listening to Nancy Pelosi’s latest stupid idea I felt like I just couldn’t sit still.  I am not going to blame this party or that or the notion of pro-life or pro-choice at this time.  But her idea of increasing condomn distribution to our young people as part of the bail out package is just ridiculous. Her reasoning was if we have less pregnancies there would be a decreased population so a smaller tax base.

I believe an important choice available to handle the teen pregnancy issue is tough love parenting.  I just did a talk last night at a business woman’s dinner meeting and the anger I got when I said that I was against condom distribution in schools.  I explained that that data shows that the more we have talked about condomn use the more pregnancies we got.  I even gave a concrete example of one of our local high schools where there is right now an implanted condom program and right alongside of it is about 20 teens who are pregnant.  In my opinion, the reasoning behind this is when parents have a weak relationship with their children at home and then the conversation about sex is so strong at school it is just mere exposure.  In other word, the more you focus on something the more likely it is going to happen.  Kids hear what they want to hear at school.  Then, when you add movies like Juno that normalize teens getting pregnant and a likewise television series on the same subject, getting pregnant is just another inconvenience.

When I talk about tough love parenting, I am not talking about constant punishment and no joy.  I mean the parent knows everything that is going on with their child.  The parent leads the kids with values and expectations.  The parents lets the child knows about responsibilies, not just to themselves but also to the family.  The parent also let’s the child know about consequences of their actions, also that what the child does outside the home reflects on the family positively and negatively.

The other side of tough love parenting is bonding with our children.  That is constantly sharing our trials and mistakes we made when we were young and show them how we handled things poorly and that we are going to be there to minimize the chance they will make the same mistake.

When I see the anger I saw last night I know how far we have gotten from responsible family life.

Dr. Robert Bocknek is a problem solving expert for parents and families

See Dr. Bocknek’s courses on takebackthehome website or write him at bocknek@takebackthehome.com

Tough love parenting is a term which is thrown around, usually with the meaning that the parents have tried everything and nothing worked so now we have to make our child miserable until they behave.  Here’s the thing.  Kids need guidelines and leadership, from the parents, in their life.  It’s no wonder that kids from single parents are 3 times more likely to have a run in with the law than two parent homes.  If you exclude two parent homes where one of the parents has an addiction the data skews even more to 5 times more likely to have a run in with the law.

So then, if the family is a two parent home with no addictions, the main reason why tough love parenting is needed is that the parents have been lacking in guiding and leading their child for quite some time.  Rather than be offended whether this is true of you or not lets do a quick quiz and see how you do.

tough love parenting quiz

1. Do your children have chores that must be done by them?
2. Do they do them? or Do they complain when you remind them?
3. Are their grades in the top 20% of their class?
4. Do your children talk back to you often?
5. Do you honestly enjoy your children’s company?

These are only 5 questions but there could be many more.  If you answered no to at least one of these questions or answered yes to #4 then you need a boot camp on rules and parenting.

Here’s the thing, what a lot of parents call tough love parenting really ought to be renamed leadership parenting. Often simple guidelines like the ones mentioned in the quiz above, when enforced, are enough to totally transform your child into just a great person who is a joy to have around.  If you need help creating this kind of consistency, I highly reccommend you contact Dr. Bocknek at bocknek@takebackthehome.com or visit the website at takebackthehome.com.  Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for parents and families.  You or your family can take one of his courses or can have him come to your town for one of his empowering talks or seminars.  If you are considering painful tough love parenting steps beyond what what the quiz talked about, its not to late to first try Dr. Bocknek’s easy to follow and phenomenally effective guidelines to a great home.

Good luck.  Sincerely, Dr. Bocknek, the problem solving expert for parents and families.

www.takebackthehome.com, www.keyboardculture.com

One can tackle the effects of divorce on children from many angles but no matter what you say the numbers of divorces are staggering.  World wide, it averages over 58%.  Because the goal of “the take back the home project” is not to drag you down into depression about your family issues or crises, I want to spend a few moments talking about how to empower you going through the divorce process.

The effects of divorce on your children could be disastrous or a time for bonding, loving and a chance to rise above who we normally are.  Its like the old saying “when you have lemons, make lemonade”.  Divorces are painful.  Normally nice people say awful things and behave in a way they would ordinarily be ashamed of.

To minimize the effects of divorce on your children, as the parent you must take some important steps.  Before we say what the steps are, we need to understand something about ourselves.  We are not fixed entities.  In other words, we are not like a table.  A table, no matter whether it is cold or hot or there is a divorce going on, unless you burn it to the ground, will remain to be a table.  Everyone will agree it is a table.  We as humans are not that.  We are what our actions are.  If I am being mature and appropriate at this moment then in this moment I am a mature and appropriate adult.  If I am screaming hysterically two minutes later then at that moment I am a hysterical adult.  So, in other words, we are fluid and constantly changing.

To minimize the effects of divorce on children, then, it is critical to be acutely aware of what your actions are because your actions will determine whether the effects of your divorce on your kids will be empowering or disastrous.

How do we facilitate empowering actions?  Empowering actions are driven by empowering questions that make us think in ways that lead us to constructive action.  For instance,  Instead of “Why is this happening to me”?  we might ask “Since this is happening what things can I say to my kids that will help them get through this?”  You could even improve on this, “what three things can I do today and the rest of this time so the effects of the divorce on my children won’t hurt their life”?  If we ask bad questions our brain goes nuts with destructive thoughts which will often lead to bad behavior on our part. Great questions lead our brain to come up with empowering solutions.

Empowering steps to take to minimize negative effects of divorce on children.

1) Ask of yourself empowering question? (as mentioned above)

2) Be honest, in how your actions could have been better in the marriage.  (share them with your kids)

3) Share with your kids you are a team and teams have ups and downs, but great teams always come through.  Remind yourself and them of this often.

4) Be the leader, keep playing your role and make sure the kids play their role.

Divorces stink but if we are smart we can learn empowering lessons of life from them.  Good Luck!

Dr. Robert Bocknek is “the Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families”.  See him at takebackthehome.com and at keyboardculture.com.  or write him at bocknek@takebackthehome.com.

In the sexless marriage part 1 we talked about how marriage is an accumulation of the actions you did on a given day.  If your actions were good on a given day you had a high likelihood of having a good marriage on that day.  If your actions were very intimate on that day you had a much better chance of not having a sexless marriage on that day.

A very important point about sexless marriages is that they can happen and often do happen to very good people. Sometimes we fall into becoming best friends in marriage or literally become marriage partners.  This isn’t necessarily a bad thing unless this partnership loses its intimacy and becomes a sexless marriage.  In fact a sexless marriage isn’t necessarily a bad thing unless you start to notice that the joy of being married to this person has been lost or greatly diminished.  The point is, though, why would you want to have a sexless marriage.

A sexless marriage is not the problem. It is typically the end result of a loss of the intimacy between the partners.

Intimacy is the difference between friendship and a great marriage. In order to have a great marriage the fine line must never be crossed or if crossed it must be crossed back.  In other words, never allow your marriage to fall into friendship  or you risk the sexless marriage syndrome.

The sexless marriage syndrome is where, in your marriage, you fall into becoming a friendship relationship from being an intimate partner relationship, (who also happen to be friends).  Unfortunately, for many couples, this starts a destructive trend of substituting sex for alcohol, drugs, infidelity, computer, video game, or some other addiction.  This is not always the case but if you look at the statistics it is more often, rather than less often, true.

The good news is that it is rather easy to get back into intimacy and away from the sexless marriage.

8 Steps to intimacy

1) Kiss your spouse often on the lips

2) Arrange for your kids to be out of the house at least once a week

3) Take a trip to a hotel and or restaurant minimally 1 time per month.

4) Write emails to your partner often, (good chance to be romantic or sexy or both).

5) Always shower before you go to bed at night.

6) Buy clothes that your partner things you look really good in.

7) Buy your partner something that you like on them, (If you have no taste, give them a gift certificate to buy something with specific instructions that they buy somethng you will think they look good in).

Compliment your partner often

If reading these steps don’t get you excited you may be doomed to a sexless marriage.  I’m just joking…kind of.  Remember, you must create that fun and joy daily.  Trust me. It will be worth it.

Dr. Robert Bocknek is “the problem solving expert for families”.  Check him out at takebackthehome.com for one of his great courses or to have him come to talk at your group.  You can also email him at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. or soon to be an expert at keyboardculture.com.

The sexless marriage is considered probably the number 1 cause of divorce today. The reasons why there is no sex in the marriage are varied.  In this talk we won’t discuss the medical reasons and solutions.  If there is interest please just blog back or contact us at bocknek@takebackthehome.com and we will set something up.

The sexless marriage comes about because there was a change in the dynamics of the partners.  Marriages are not things like tables and chairs.  A table is a table no matter what happens.  Any four people, no matter what issues are going on in their life, are going to look at the table and say that is a table.

Marriages are different.  They are based on what you do on a given day.  If you are rotten to your partner on Tuesday then on Tuesday you have a rotten marriage and probably on Tuesday you have a sexless marriage.  On the other hand, if on Tuesday you realized you were rotten and called your partner up and apologized profusely, with sincerity, because you realized that person you were rotten to is the one person in life you shouldn’t be rotten to because you love them to death and they love you the same…the odds are you have a good chance of having a great marriage on that day and maybe not have a sexless marriage.

So you can see that in isolating any particular day how the dynamics of a marriage can change dramatically based solely on our actions.  The essential point to this discussion is that sexless marriages are a direct reflexion of our actions.  Our situation is never set in stone.  It can get worse or better on a moments notice.  The great thing is that you are totally in control.  You get to decide whether you are good or bad, caring or rude, seductive or evasive.

Expectations must be reasonable.  Your marriage can stop being a sexless marriage when you have overcome the time and energy you put into creating a sexless marriage.  For instance, if you were having an affair, the energy you gave to this act is huge to overcome.  You have to be great with massive intensity and possibly for a prolonged period of time.  You must understand the anger that is coming back to you and find ways to get past it.  If you can’t put in the energy and time then you don’t want it bad enough.  If you let your body go you need to put in the time and energy and discipline to regain some of that something that made you attractive to your partner.

In part 2 of the sexless marriage we will discuss the kind of steps that you can take to regain the intimacy in your marriage.

Dr. Robert Bocknek is “the problem solving expert for families”.  Go to his website at takebackthehome.com or email him at bocknek@takebackthehome.com.  He has great courses for you and your family and is available for empowering lectures.

Teenage parenting part 2 is a continuation of teenage parenting part 1s discussion of how crucial the understanding of each persons roles plays in the success of the family.  Many families I have counseled who are having significant problems with their kids have a situation where the family for whatever reason has become a child centered situation.  By this I mean the family evolves around what is best for the child.  As with all good intentions it sounds like a good idea but as with many good intentions the results are far different from what was intended.  What has been most often found in the child centered family are spoiled children who think the world revolves around them.  What often follows next is they go out in the world and  they act out because they aren’t the center of attention anymore. So what we put forth is a family centered family.

When forming a teenage parenting family or any family for that matter visualize a circle.  Next, put in the center of that circle the word “family” and put the word “child” with a line through it.  From this point on your family will be a family centered family.  In other words, what is best for the family as a whole will be the guiding light for the parents as they lead the family.

How do we know what is best for the family?  We start by writing all family members names on the circle equally apart.  We then attach the roles each person plays in the family, (as written down in teenage parenting part 1), and put those by the family member’s name.  We then draw a line from each person’s name to the center of the circle where the word “family” is.  This is the new construct from which all family decisions get made.

When dealing with the difficult teenager as mentioned in the teenage parenting part 1 we can now create the situation in family meetings to show each member of the family how we are doing.  The difficult teenager can now see their place in the family and how it affects the rest of the family.  When the difficult teenager sees their place in the family we as parents can then go over with them how we can help them.  With the family centered diagram the difficult teenager can really see the negative effect their actions can have and how they can really hurt all those people they really love.  It will call them forth to be a better family member.

Teenage parenting, using the family centered paradigm, changes the confrontation of parent vs. teen to how the parent can help the teen fulfill their role in the family.  It takes the blame out of the discussion and gives the teen a new perspective of how their actions do make a difference in the family.  We can further carry this, that the teen can see how what they do can negatively undermines the family and more empowering the teen can then better see how fulfilling their roles can incredibly positively affect how the family succeeds.

This technique in teenage parenting has helped hundreds of families completely change.

Dr. Robert Bocknek is “the problem solving expert for families”. You can visit him at Takebackthehome.com and soon at keyboardculture.com.  You can also email him a question at bocknek@takebackthehome.com

Teenage parenting issues are one of the most if not the most common issues I am asked to addressed.  Let’s make this discussion teenage parenting 101.  For those of you who have never read my bio, I have 4 teenagers, 19,18, 17, and 15.

Here are the most important points in teenage parenting.

1) teenagers are hormones run amok

2) teenagers are trying to transition from dependence to independence

3) teenagers either have a lot of self doubt and are defensive or have a massive ego and are defensive

4) teenagers need us probably more at this time than at any other time of their soon to be adult life.

5) Parents must be the leaders of the household.

If you are having issues with your teen, here’s how to make it work.

I want to first say a family should never be a democracy until the kids have moved out, have their own family and support themselves.  The parents need to be the dictators.  That being said, in order for teenage parenting to work the parents need to be benevolent dictators.  By this we mean, the parent needs to make the teenager feel that they have a say in their own life.  You may be thinking this seems to be a contradiction in terms, (ie. on the one hand they don’t have a say and on the other they do have a say).  Here’s how it works.  The parents set up the rules of the house and as long as the teens act within those rules they get to make certain decisions.

The trick to this is to identify the roles each person plays in the family so that the teenager will want to follow the rules.  All corporations have rules, (IE. job descriptions). Teenage parenting begins with calling family meetings on a regular basis just like a corporation.  This first meeting will be about what everyone’s role, (IE. job description) in the home is.  In this first meeting, each person needs to write down what their “job description” in the family is.  For instance, the father writes down he goes to work, pays the bills, cutting the lawn etc.  Mom writes down hers.  She works, cooks, drives etc.  The teen writes down theirs.  If they don’t write down anything of substance you must go through it with them.  Teens description must include good grades, cleaning their own room and chores and most importantly to be respectful to their parents.  If your kids are normal kids they should have no trouble signing off to these.  If they won’t sign off on their roles read the follow up to this blog on teenage parenting part 2.  It should come out tomorrow.

An explanation must be given to the teenagers that the reason for defining our roles in the family is to help the family stay together, not just for now but for a very long time.  It is essential at this discussion with them to tell them you need them to do well like you need air.  This is because you love them to death and you can’t face not having done everything you could to help them to succeed.  In closing here, besides all this, you tell them if they fulfill their roles, they get more freedom and more decision making because they’ve earned it.

Dr. Robert Bocknek is “the problem solving expert for families”.  See him at takebackthehome.com for other relevent articles on how to help your family grow.  He will soon be on keyboardculture.com.

Don’t miss teenage parenting part 2.