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How to Save a Marriage for the Traveling Business Person

Statistics on the survival of marriages when one of the partners travels is dismal. How to save a marriage then. Before, I give you a solution, let me remind you of something. You married your spouse because they were the one for you. They had that special something that allowed you to make that big leap into legalizing that enjoyment. If you are reading this article, either you, they, or both of you forgot what that was. For the traveling partner relationship this is forgetting is incredibly easier to do as you get lonelier because you are somewhere that isn’t home.

For those of you who have noticed your marriage getting significantly worse since traveling commitments have begun, I’m going to teach you how to save a marriage in two words….Web Cam. I’m not going to go into too many details here so we can keep this article PG rated. Web cams give you the opportunity to stay in your hotel room and connect with your spouse visually as well as verbally. Like I said before, I am not going to go into details here but you are only limited by your imagination as to how to woo your spouse with the web cam. If you aren’t able to peak your arousal, “so to speak”, with this medium I seriously suggest you sit down with your spouse and discuss how to save your marriage so you too don’t just become another statistic.

Good Luck,

Dr. Bocknek

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for Parents, Family and Marriage.

How to Save a Marriage

You feel your marriage is in trouble. You can’t communicate with your spouse anymore. You are constantly fighting. What was once time with the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with is now a source of major pain. This is article is about how to save a marriage.

To understand where things went wrong we have to go into how communication breaks down. The very core of a break down starts with what we call “Overt Behavior”. An “overt” is when one of the partners does something to the other partner. An overt could be as small as lying to the partner or as big a gambling, cheating and alcohol problems. If you want to learn how to save a marriage you must understand this point. If the person doesn’t apologize and address the “overt” they will create a “withhold” pattern. A withhold pattern is called that because the partner that commits the “overt” will literally withhold their love and start making you wrong.

The overt/withhold pattern can also happen with your children. Let’s give an example of how this shows up. Your teenager wants to go out Friday night with the car. You say sure but you want to know where they are going and that they must be home at 11PM. The teen agrees to call and to be home on time. Fast forward to 12AM and no call and no teenager. You are going nuts. The teens behavior is an “overt”. He then shows up at 12:30 AM and you ask him what happened and tell him you were so worried. If he apologizes sincerely and confesses to being irresponsible and accepts the consequences, the “overt” will be clean this time and it is over. In learning how to save a marriage, the next part is critical to understand. What happens when the teen doesn’t accept responsibility for his actions? He will commit a “withhold”. This shows up as “stop bugging me, I’m just a little late” or “Hey, my phone died so I couldn’t call. What’s the big deal? You guys are always on my back”. The teen literally withholds his love and blames you.

If you want to know how to save a marriage you must be prepared for the overt/ withhold pattern. It happens all the time. Here is the most important part. If you or your partner doesn’t clear the pattern the pattern almost always becomes a recurring cycle. An unresolved overt/withhold pattern literally creates more overt/withhold patterns and the things that we begin fighting over becomes more regular and more ridiculous to where you can be fighting over literally nothing.

In learning how to save a marriage become an overt/withhold detective so you can see it for what it is. Learn how to catch yourself saying something to your spouse that really is inappropriate and apologize from your heart. It could literally save your marriage. We will go more in depth on how do get great at resolving this important communication technique.

Good Luck!

Dr. Bocknek

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Dr. Robert Bocknek is the Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families and Marriage.

Computer addiction and your kids.

It’s been a long time since I wrote about my kids and their computer addiction. The first time I wrote about the problem was three plus years ago. My two oldest teens were staying up to 4 in the morning after went to sleep. They were getting unsocial, grades were slipping and they weren’t going out anymore.

I took the computers away except for school and never in their room. The computer addiction was quite apparent at this time. They were screaming, slamming doors and sleeping a lot. We talked a lot with them at this point. They weren’t happy but started to come out of their room. What came out of their mouth, made me want them back in their room but it slowly got better. They literally transformed to much more enjoyable kids again.

In the words of Marshall Mclewen, our society is becoming a nation of vidiots. But I don’t think even Marshall could have predicted the computer addiction of today. To you parents, who have young children, do yourself, and your children, a favor. Keep their computer in a public room so you can monitor their time and content. I would highly suggest the computer should only be for educational endeavors. For you parents, of teens, use the same rule. Keep their computer in a public area. No computer, during the week for anything but school stuff. On the weekend, only let your teens have an agreed upon time frame for using the computer.

Computer addiction is insidious and all around you. Your child’s growth is partly based on real socializing with you and their peers face to face. Create the computer rules of the house so it empowers your children to grow.

Good luck,

Dr. Bocknek

In my opinion, we have come to a point in society of polarization. It seems that most people, who are vocal, are either way left or way right.

I want to say something on this point. When 9/11 took place, we as a country, stood as one. We reprioritized what was important as a nation. We became one people. It lasted for months. All the nonsense, that is being argued now on the news, never would have been discussed. The petty partisan politics wouldn’t even be discussed.

In my opinion, our country, and seemingly the rest of the world, is in a moral pre 9/11 mentality. In my opinion, teenage parenting should be the center point of discussion of society. The majority has completely forgotten about our youth and the next generation. The educational system is not the problem. The government is not the solution. In my opinion, the decay of the family is the problem. I go to endless PTA meetings and constantly hear how the educational system is failing our kids. I believe this is crap. I believe it is the parents and adults who are often failing our kids.

I believe until parents take teenage parenting and family as their priority over pleasure, blaming of others, and excuses as to why we are where we are as individuals and families we are doomed to a rough ride. Until we stop expecting our government to solve our financial problems and personal problems we are in big trouble.

I pray for enlightenment for the masses and for leaders to stop pointing their finger out to them and turn it to themselves and say I am the cause. When that day comes. We will all be alright.

Just a thought.

Good luck,

Dr. Bocknek.

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families

Continuing on with this teen parenting story, I said to my friend “Don’t you think it is inappropriate for this parent to be doing this to his child”? He gave some answer about artistic freedom and how it was beautiful. Not wanting to start an argument I just basically told him that he had no idea of the effect taking those pictures of the child might have on that child and neither had the parent. He admitted it was the first time he had ever thought of it that way.

So here is the issue in teen parenting. It is not okay anymore to not know what your child or teen is doing at all times. We, as parents, have roughly eighteen years to mold our children into ethical, moral, and responsible adults who will be a benefit and a contributor in our home and society. The first four years are basically  for just loving them because they are too small. That leaves fourteen years to train, lead and teach them.

In teen parenting, the parent must be a leader. The parent must take the leadership role away from the teachers, away from their friends, away from the internet. For the teachers reading this, this is not an insult to you. It is a benefit to you. You have been saddled with the lazy parent syndrome. A teacher’s job is to teach subject matters that empower kids to think and learn. You are not substitute parents. In fact, if you read the data 40% of teachers quit the profession after 2 years. I suspect a lot of that reason is because you have been frustrated with having to be surrogate parents rather than educators of the next generation.

For parents, who think that teen parenting is a liaise faire event, I can tell you teen parenting is a do all you can to lead and guide event, and hope you did enough so your teens will succeed in life event.

In teen parenting, your child needs a simplified environment with guidance about the key issues. The key issues are doing well in school, being honest, respectful, and helpful. Our job is to teach them these values in an incredibly loving, guided, responsible fashion.

Please read teen parenting and what is okay part 3.

Good luck,

Dr. Bocknek

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families